Peaceful Non-Resistance, Baby!

So maybe I need to have faith that I am exactly where I need to be. I don't know why yet, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be at my current school.

In the book I am reading (Women, Food and God), Geneen Roth writes: feelings are in the body, reactions are in the head; a reaction is the mental deduction of a feeling. (and beliefs are reactions that we've had so many times that we believe they are true.). In an attempt to not feel what is uncomfortable, the mind will often rant and ramble and tell us how awful it all is.

Now, Roth in the book is talking about mindless eating, but as a part-time student of Buddhism, I recognize the message for my life and happiness at work.

Feelings are transient. I need to go ahead and give those feelings a little space, recognize that they are there, recognize how they feel. And then they will fade away. These feelings will only turn into reactions when I leave the present moment and re-live the shock of my principal telling me that I will never have my own room. Or when I dwell on the reactions of being misunderstood when colleagues say "Why does so-and-so have SPEECH?!" when they DON'T have speech, they have a language disorder. (no wonder they don't value what I do---they think I'm speechifying kids who talk just fine).

I need to have peaceful non-resistance so I can stay open to figuring out whatever my purpose is at my current school. I need patience. I need faith. I need to chip away at the belief that I will not be fulfilled professionally. Om.

Guess who had a great day at work today?????

I'm schizophrenic and a drama queen.

Today was a one of 4 great days I've had a work so far this year. I'm such a freaking optimist that one good day gives me hope.

Probably I'm stupidly optimistic.

Also, my supervisor does not want to move me. I mean, if I demanded it, she would. Sometimes I wonder if I just need to get over myself.

WHY DOES "SIGNIFICANCE" NEED TO BE IN MY TOP FIVE?

I might have the opportunity to either stay at my current school or go back to my previous school. It's not as easy as making a pro/con list because everything is not weighted equally.

For example, in my current school, the work is EASIER and the environment is WORSE. There is way less paperwork.

In my old school, the work is HARDER/MORE and there is way more paperwork, but the environment is WAY BETTER.

In secondary, there is a group of wonderful, smart SLPs that are my support. As an SLP, I'm not alone. But I only see them 1-2 a month. In elementary, the other teachers are my support group and I see them every day. As an SLP, I am more isolated/alone.

Secondary kids are kids who want you to be a support person. They don't seem to care if I actually teach them language skills. But I like them a lot. Elementary kids give my educator's soul more. They are ready to LEARN. I don't know that either group do much carryover of what I teach them. (which makes me wonder if we should be rethinking how we do special education services, or language services at least.......but that's a different story.)

Why does environment matter so much to me? If I go back, will I think, "Ugh! Why did I choose THIS!? I'm swamped!"

But if I stay, will I think, "Why didn't I get out when I had the chance?!"

And my feelings change daily.

What I WANT is to care more about just seeing the kids and doing what's good for them. But really that is only part of what I care about. I also care about feeling significant (to kids, teachers, families and administrators). I wish significance meant less to me. I wish I was the kind of person who just says, "I work for the kids; that's all I care about." But it isn't true. Then I think maybe with time, I will become more I-don't-care-about-anything-but-the-kids. But what if I don't........

Please comment. I'm freaking out here.

Did You Really Say That?

My principal is a nice man. He has a gentle voice and a respectful manner. I really like him. He has offered me yet another place to see kids---the foyer of the auditorium! I now have six keys jingling around my belt loop because I have so many options of places to have therapy. None of them consistent. Of course, all of these places are only good til January 26th, when the first semester ends. Then all bets are off and we begin again.

The principal asked me and one of the APs to meet with him this afternoon. In this meeting, he says to me, "With all of the services we offer in this school---social work, chemical health---I just don't see a day in [our school] where the speech pathologist will ever have their own space."

Yep. He said it. Just like that. Remember my "Line in the Sand?!"

And then, after school at my Child Study Team meeting we were lamenting a bit on the space issue. My LD colleagues all have rooms, but none of them is actually a legal classroom. I commented to my team, speaking about myself, "I just don't know why an SLP would work in a school that doesn't have a space for them when every other school does." One snappy co-worker snarkily says, "Maybe to have a JOB!"

Well, luckily for me, I have options. And a job.

CHEERS!

The therapeutic effects of drinking with a group of speech-language pathologists cannot be over-stated.

Line In The Sand

I had a meeting with my dear supervisor today. I told her that if I don't get a therapy/office room, I will not stay at my current school. My profession, my students and I DESERVE a space in which to work. It is a deal-breaker for me. Therapy will NOT happen in the cafeteria, hallway, entrance to the auditorium. I refuse. This is my line in the sand, I tell her. (Aren't I tough?)

By the end of the meeting, she had fed my soul and ego. I'm laughing. I hug her. I'm putty in her hands. I'm staying at my current school. I'm going to make it work. They NEED me. Dang that supervisor!! She KNOWS I'm a total SUCKER for being needed. I love her and although I suspect she is using me to fill a very difficult position, I can't help but be seduced by being needed and by her masterful way of managing me.

I guess that's why she's the manager and I'm the hothead therapist.

BTW, today was a good day. I love my students.

Upsucking

Today I went to my old school for a meeting. My God, it felt like going home. Know what I got? HUGS! LOVE! And 5 job offers (although I don't think that legally a teacher or secretary can offer me a job)!

Only the principal saw me cry.

I am determined to be an Upsucker. So this morning, I Scotch-taped together 8 pieces of copy paper and taped them to the door of my borrowed therapy space for the period. (Did I mention that I don't have a room in the school? Just a desk in a shared office.) I brought my personal laptop and my personal projector and projected my lesson about Context Clues on the copy-paper "screen." I couldn't project it on the wall because this borrowed therapy space is the room where all of the props for the auditorium/plays are stored. It has dark wood cabinets from floor to ceiling on all 3 walls. In the end, the lesson was a success!

My fourth period kids are learning to use the SmartPen by Livescribe. It's the best listening comprehension they've done all year. It's worked better than activating prior knowledge and creating prior knowledge by watching video clips. And it helped them finish their late assignments in Human Geography! Hallelujah! Did I mention that I love those kids?

Did you hear that sound? It's me...sucking it up.

Challenging Myself Was A Stupid Idea

In order to make myself feel like I've done something worthwhile today, I googled the lyrics to Rocket Man. I've always wondered what the hell Elton John was saying..... "Rocket Man! Burning out his fuse up here alone...." Well, that's one mystery solved. Whew.

I have wondered if I should start a blog about my journey to high school. It started out as The Incredible Journey---my path to further understanding and kick-ass-ive-ness as a speech-language pathologist. After 12 decidedly UN-kick-ass weeks, I wonder if I shouldn't just step away from the keyboard. After all, does explaining and complaining make things more real? Should I just keep quiet, put my head down and make it less real by not acknowledging it out loud? HA! My people know that just sucking it up silently is Lico's forte, NOT MINE! So, my goal is to acknowledge publicly my challenges so that I am more accountable to make positive changes. I don't want to be a quitter and I do want to love my job again.

I invite you to lurk, to comment, to question. Just please don't say, "I'm sure you're doing a great job!" or "you are your own worst critic!" or "Don't worry!" I appreciate your kindness and intentions, but my goal is to learn, grow and change.