So maybe I need to have faith that I am exactly where I need to be. I don't know why yet, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be at my current school.
In the book I am reading (Women, Food and God), Geneen Roth writes: feelings are in the body, reactions are in the head; a reaction is the mental deduction of a feeling. (and beliefs are reactions that we've had so many times that we believe they are true.). In an attempt to not feel what is uncomfortable, the mind will often rant and ramble and tell us how awful it all is.
Now, Roth in the book is talking about mindless eating, but as a part-time student of Buddhism, I recognize the message for my life and happiness at work.
Feelings are transient. I need to go ahead and give those feelings a little space, recognize that they are there, recognize how they feel. And then they will fade away. These feelings will only turn into reactions when I leave the present moment and re-live the shock of my principal telling me that I will never have my own room. Or when I dwell on the reactions of being misunderstood when colleagues say "Why does so-and-so have SPEECH?!" when they DON'T have speech, they have a language disorder. (no wonder they don't value what I do---they think I'm speechifying kids who talk just fine).
I need to have peaceful non-resistance so I can stay open to figuring out whatever my purpose is at my current school. I need patience. I need faith. I need to chip away at the belief that I will not be fulfilled professionally. Om.
It sounds like you are working on learning intrinsic satisfaction instead of extrinsic satisfaction. While it's nice to have people you work with understand and give you positives about what you do (the extrinsic), I think it's more fulfilling when you can give them to yourself (intrinsic). You know the kid has a language disorder and while some of your teaching colleagues don't, it doesn't change the fact that you are doing a good job providing therapy to a child with a language disorder. While it might be nice if they understood and you might try to educate them, the reinforcement comes from you knowing you are doing the best you can to meet a child's needs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that I know you and am really impressed with your inner strength to tackle something this difficult with such grace and tenacity.
Well, since you haven't updated in a long time I guess that either everything is going fairly well or you have sunk in to the depths of depression about your job. Hope it is the first one and things are well with you.
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