For example, in my current school, the work is EASIER and the environment is WORSE. There is way less paperwork.
In my old school, the work is HARDER/MORE and there is way more paperwork, but the environment is WAY BETTER.
In secondary, there is a group of wonderful, smart SLPs that are my support. As an SLP, I'm not alone. But I only see them 1-2 a month. In elementary, the other teachers are my support group and I see them every day. As an SLP, I am more isolated/alone.
Secondary kids are kids who want you to be a support person. They don't seem to care if I actually teach them language skills. But I like them a lot. Elementary kids give my educator's soul more. They are ready to LEARN. I don't know that either group do much carryover of what I teach them. (which makes me wonder if we should be rethinking how we do special education services, or language services at least.......but that's a different story.)
Why does environment matter so much to me? If I go back, will I think, "Ugh! Why did I choose THIS!? I'm swamped!"
But if I stay, will I think, "Why didn't I get out when I had the chance?!"
And my feelings change daily.
What I WANT is to care more about just seeing the kids and doing what's good for them. But really that is only part of what I care about. I also care about feeling significant (to kids, teachers, families and administrators). I wish significance meant less to me. I wish I was the kind of person who just says, "I work for the kids; that's all I care about." But it isn't true. Then I think maybe with time, I will become more I-don't-care-about-anything-but-the-kids. But what if I don't........
Please comment. I'm freaking out here.
Denise,
ReplyDeleteYou will always have the chance to leave because Nicky will not insist that you be miserable. She will let you move to a situation that makes you happy. I think your wish for significance is normal, but your list of who you wish to be significant to is way too long. It's like the parent that wants everything for their child and there are just not enough hours in the school day for the kid to be in regular ed full time and have 5 different pull out services. You have to pick and choose what the most important things are. Sometimes that means the kid is in regular ed and gets consult services even though they could benefit from 1:1 pull out because that is what is most important to the family. Sometimes it means that the kid misses out on some cool aspects of regular ed because the 1:1 pull out for services is the most important. The only thing that is true is that you cannot have everything. In a secondary school, you are very unlikely to ever be significant to an administrator--they're too focused on behavior issues and getting test scores up. Secondary teachers are different, I think from elementary teachers in that, while they love kids, they teach subjects to kids, they don't teach kids subjects. That was a rather convoluted sentence but it means that they teach English or Algebra or Biology so if you want to be significant to them you have to help the kids be successful in their subject area. Frankly, I think sometimes that is way too hard to do even when you try your best. I think you can be significant to kids and their families when you help the kids become functional adolescents and young adults and that is a really different focus from elementary. As I got to know my older kids, I always wanted to know what they wanted to work on, what was important for them to be able to do. It wasn't always what I thought was most important but if it was important to them then it was worth considering.
I think you would do yourself an injustice to leave in the middle of the year. I do think, though, if you talked to Nicky and told her you would stay the year but want to be able to change back at the end of the year if you are still not happy that she would probably let you do that. You have asked a tremendous amount of yourself to make such a radical change and moving to secondary from elementary is a huge change. Not only are the needs of the kids very different but you have to build a whole new support system among people (teachers) where you don't really fit in because you don't "teach" a subject. It's very stressful and it takes time and it may not ever happen. But I think you need to give it time and four months, although it sounds (and feels) like an eternity is really not very long. You are very good at what you do. You care about children and their ability to progress and learn. You have the building blocks you need. I'd give it time to see if you are able to build something with those blocks. If, in May, you can look back and say, "I gave it my best and this is just not the right thing for me," then I think you can leave with a clear conscience and not have the back and forth war going on inside of you.
A very wise person once told me that "the best that you can do, is the best that you can do. Sometimes your best may not be very good, but if it is the best that you can do at the time, then don't beat yourself up that you are not perfect. You did your best and that is all anyone, including yourself, can expect."
That's my two cents; take it or recycle it in the trash, either is fine with me. I have faith that you will make the decision that is right for you at the time.
Barb, I am taking your advice. And I am at peace with that. Tonight, anyway :)
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